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Official Google Blog: Online safety tips from Google and AARP

THE TALE OF NOAH'S ARK

The first time I heard this story was the last time I went to Sunday school. My mother was very upset until I told her the story made no sense to me. Even as a child I knew the story was "fishy", but in the interest of fairness, I am going to resolve the benefit of doubt in favor of Noah.  The Hebrew, Chinese, Islamic and Christian versions of the tale vary considerably, but what else is new?

I have read several versions of the story from a handful of 1,258 known variants of the Bible, the Torah and the Quran.  The central thesis is God commanded Noah to collect a breeding pair of all the species, place them on a vessel and then weather forty days and forty nights of rain.  God's plan meant the destruction of "corrupt" human life on Earth.  As to why God just didn't cause a giant meteor to crash into the Earth is another mystery.

Excluding insects, birds and marine mammals plus countless other species, and limiting the task to mammals, reptiles, amphibians, marsupials and rodents would lessen the burden on Noah and his family (assuming there was a family). Nevertheless, the task would be monumental.

A unit of measure called a cubit was referred to in most of the material I read.  A cubit is approximately 1.5 feet in linear measure.  However, in order to accommodate the above referenced species, the vessel would necessarily be the size on a Reagan class aircraft carrier.  Absent the benefit of Home Depot, proper engineering and E.T.; the task to build such a vessel is virtually impossible.  But, let's assume they did it.

Then, all Noah had to do is gather the animals, their food, and convey them to the Ark. Starting at the Arctic Circle, Noah would have to snag a breeding pair of polar bears, the largest carnivorous predators on Earth and seals (marine mammals bent on extinction by the polar bears) and tell them to "come on down."  Passing through Sarah Palin Land, wolves, their prey and a host of other dangerous critters (grizzlies, etc.) would be in tow.  But, let's assume they did it.

Certain biblical historians envision the Earth as a single land mass.  As such, going to Australia to round up kangaroos (without getting butt-kicked) would be a relative walk in the park.  But what if all the scientists in the world are right?  What if the Earth is as it has been for hundreds of millions of years?  Did the Noah bunch sail there or just swim?  Let's assume they did it.

Siberian tigers, African rhinos and hippos, giraffes and such might be a teeny problem, but the simple task of the reptiles, amphibians and rodents (the favorite food of reptiles) is all that is left.  The Bible reads that the animals agreed to abstinence.   So, they probably agreed not to eat each other, too.  If the Bible says so, it must be true! Therefore, Noah has the vessel filled with the creatures, an ample supply of fresh water (the Earth is 72% salt water, so it must have rained salt water), plenty of indigenous food and a ready and willing bounty of oceanic travelers.  Quite a feat, but let's assume they did it.

Then God turns on the rain.  The great vessel with no controls, no motive power and no course would bob around amid thunder, lightning and tsunami-like waves for forty days and forty nights.  It then rested twenty feet above the mountains of Ararat for 150 days until the water receded. Ravens and doves were dispatched (how did they come on board?)  when a glorious rainbow signified God's promise to "never do that again!" But, let's assume this all true.

Noah and his family pulled off Mission Impossible IV (a flop at the box office, however), and the world was cleansed of "corrupted" humans except for them.  Then the animals returned to their natural habitats (or what was left of them), went back to procreation, resumed their regular diets and watched their favorite shows!  I get goose bumps (how did geese get on board?) just thinking about it.  There is just one question left:  What did they do with all that poopy?  Is that why the water is polluted?  Did God bless the poopy and declare it benign or did God just write it off as a fluke of nature? Only God and Sarah Palin know for sure.

The Tale of Noah's Ark

Allegorical symbolism on Dollar bill.

There is much controversy on this topic.  Using a Google search, I encountered a site entitled "Jesus-is savior.com" wherein references to Satan were promulgated.  The authors wrote that the symbolism on the U.S. dollar is tantamount to "evil" by the Illuminati, the Freemasons and other tax exempt foundations or entities.  The authors cited that these organizations influence government into wars and manipulate the manner by which education is founded and executed in America.

It struck me as being curious that organized religion does the same.  Religious wars date as far back as recorded history, exist today and will persist into the foreseeable future.  Children are indoctrinated by their forebears into hatred and prejudice directed toward anyone who does not share in their beliefs.  

The irony is that religious indoctrination is fact whereas Satan and adjunct references to Satanism is not supported by any empirical evidence and is shrill, intolerant and sanctimonious paranoia by those who force their believes by preying on the fears of people.  Furthermore, I know of no church, cult, website authors, or creationists that would refuse a "Satanic Dollar" or a trainload of them.

The symbolism on the U.S. Dollar works for me regardless of it's meaning.  It is legal tender for anyone who possesses them including those who choose to undermine the true meaning.  I challenge any religious zealot to prove that Satan even exists.  As such, the only thing more ridiculous is the Adam and Eve fable.

She's a natural

Anna is a natural at comedy, but all too often she is mischaracterized as being zany and "over the top" because of the roles she plays.  She is the catalyst that makes her movies work.  Nevertheless, after reading her bio it is my belief that she is very literate and well-versed and deserves more credit than she receives.  I never met her, but I think she would be very interesting to talk with because her latent talents could then be appreciated.